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Why do I do this? Why was I a cross dresser and now a transsexual? Why did I move from being just a cross dresser to someone who has undertaken irreversible body modifications to appear as a woman when the world does not really care what we are? Some modifications that next to no one will ever even see?
It’s a lot of work to look good as a woman, or even just half decent. And it’s a lot more work still to be a decent looking woman when you are starting with a hairy male body. Being a guy is nothing at all in comparison.
The bottom line is that I don't know for sure. I have theories and while I am moving closer to understanding it, there is no one definite answer. I don't get a sexual thrill from it. You would think a guy might do this if it put him into a state of sexual arousal, that he would have an erection all the time under the skirt or dress. With me, that's not the case. My privates, stuffed into control top panty hose shrink to about as small a size as they can get when I’m “dressed”. I never have an erection when dressed in female clothing, unless I go out of my way to manually induce one. If sexual arousal were all there was to it, I'd have stayed in the closet and never gone out at all. And the male equipment has gotten even more “inactive” since I started taking hormones in July 2006.
Is there something wrong with me? Define "wrong". Is it really wrong to feel comfortable wearing the clothing that half the human race is allowed to wear, just not the half I was supposedly born into? A half who can also freely wear the clothes of the other half in public with no one saying a word about it. Is this a "The grass is greener on the other side of the fence" thing? Maybe. A little. After all I am a very curious individual. Women's clothes are much better looking. They are much prettier and made with more attention to the actual shape of the body of the wearer. So clothing is where I will start.
Then
there are shirts. I could never get any to fit right. My upper arms and
shoulders are small compared to the average man, almost woman like. My
height is somewhat below average for a male. My height is an “average”
on women’s size charts. However, I am about as wide in the neck as a lot
of men. Hence, when I wear a shirt the right size for my chest, it is tight
around my middle and tight in the collar. So much so, neckties have always
been torture to me. To get a shirt with the correct neck size, it would
be so loose and have arms so long; it would be like wearing a parachute.
I know you can get custom made shirts but actually getting some never seemed
to be high enough a priority to do it, mainly because of the cost. It turns
out that men’s rib cages are generally bigger around than their hips and
their shirts are cut for this. Women have rib cages that are generally
smaller than their hips.
I
noticed that most male to female cross dressers need to wear a top about
2 to 4 sizes bigger than their bottoms. For example, when I had a cross
dresser come over to my place, one that was planning to come out of the
closet, this person fit a size 16 skirt or slacks fine but needed a size
20 top or blouse. He/She could not wear most dresses because a size 16
would not fit the shoulders and a size 20 that did fit the shoulders was
really too big around the waist. This seems to be the normal proportions
for when a male person tries to wear female clothing. Because adult female
bones have different proportions than adult male bones.
In
my case, my rib cage is about 3” smaller than my hips. This is a common
measurement for women. And I wear a size 18W both for a top and bottom.
My conclusion has to be that my skeleton is more female than male. Why?
I don’t know.
I
have since learned that there are clothes that accommodate people with
a waist that is smaller than their hips. That have the correct proportion
of my shoulder size to my hips. Of course, by now, you realize that I am
talking of the women’s department. It turns out I am a perfect 18W. OK,
not perfect but 18W fits me better than any men’s clothing size ever did.
Sometimes in pants, I even wear an 18WP. Women’s Petite. Petite, Me!! I
have a pair of 18WP pants that fit me so well they are “to die for, darling!”.
I even found that women’s underwear fits better. I have a little bit of
thunder thighs. Let’s face it, most middle aged women do. I found the leg
cut outs in men’s jockey shorts to be too small and they would cause me
continuous pinching and binding in my crotch. Maybe some of that was the
leg elastic rubbing on my old hernia repair scar. Sure, there are boxers
but they offer no support. Men need support down there just as much as
women need it up top. I found I could get men’s bikini’s with big leg openings
but I hated the low waist line. The bikini elastic sat right on a minor
crease in my skin, at the bottom of my “relaxed fit waistline bulge” and
it dug in every time I sat down. In women’s I can get a full size brief
with high rise leg openings. Yes, there are mail order places that I guess
I could have found some meant for men but the women’s are available at
the local K-Mart at 3 for $5.00. And better still, in women’s the whole
panty is stretchy and they feel so good when they are skin tight.
I
have found out that men’s and women’s feet are shaped somewhat differently
as well. I have always had a horrid time finding shoes. I have low arches
and I have a hard time finding shoes without arch support. The only thing
I can anymore find in men’s without arch support are really ugly sandals.
I found a line of ladies deck shoes at K-Mart, with no arch support that
fit perfectly and under $5.00 a pair. So I bought 6 pairs in an assortment
of colors. They look a little ladylike for a sports shoe but no one has
ever said anything. I have also found most women’s loafers in 11W fit me
well. Then there are heels. I think women have to adapt to high heels as
teenagers so their feet are used to them and so the leg muscles strengthen
as needed. I’ve tried wearing them but my feet doth protest too much. It’s
a good thing low heels are quite stylish today as well. And I’m tall enough
at 5’ 7” (170cm) anyway.
One
more thing about my everyday clothing. I wear support hose to work under
my pants. Sometimes panty hose and sometimes gartered hose held up with
an “all in one” undergarment. I have a mild form of muscular dystrophy.
Not enough to be disabled but enough so that if I stand, say at a work
bench, my legs start to get incredibly sore after an hour or so. Many years
ago I learned of the “waitresses” friend. Support hose allows me to be
on my feet for 4 to 6 hours before my legs get sore enough to have to sit
down. Also, days I am doing a lot of CAD drafting and when I do I’m stuck
at my desk for 8 hours straight, when I wear support hose I can still get
up afterwards and not fall down again from lack of circulation. I have
worn support hose for years and have found that L’Eggs Everyday Support
Queen size, 3 pairs for $5.00 at Wal-Mart, do the job and fit me the best.
When
I hear women complain about how uncomfortable panty hose are, they are
buying the wrong size. I think they are either buying the “one size fits
none” or they are not facing the facts and buying Queen size. A note to
the ladies. If you come anywhere the size boundary on the panty hose package,
buy the next bigger size. Once they are out of the package no one can tell
what size they are anyway because, its amazing. Panty hose become the exact
size you are!And buy decent ones
with some spandex. They are not a lot more money but they won’t sag either.
Or get al “all in one” in the right size. They are quite comfortable and
wear gartered stockings. Gartered stockings have the benefit of the support
hose and none of the discomfort from the panty part of pantyhose. And you
can get away a few days longer between shaving your legs. OK, so you cannot
wear skirts as short, but really, just above the knee to just below looks
best anyway.
Up
to mid 2003 I would always cover my feet with socks. I have stopped doing
this and let a bit of ankle with hose on it be exposed. No one at work
or anywhere has ever said anything about it. In fact I have tried going
out with the support hose on, in guy mode, wearing shorts and I have only
received two comments, both favourable. Mind you, I wear suntan or nude
shade almost all the time though I did go out twice with white ones and
still no one said anything. Not even anyone said anything when I went through
security at the airport with my shoes off and my feet obviously in transparent
hose.
Along
with the hose I have stated wearing micro fibre panties with no side seams.
The control top in the panty hose makes any side seam in the panties press
into my hip and they start to hurt after a while. I pay a little more to
get undies with no side seams and the comfort level is as good as I have
ever had it. Brand names I use are “Barely There” and Bali..
The
result is that I have not worn a stitch of men’s clothing since July 3,
2003. When I had a makeover on July 4, 2003 on Sunset Boulevard in West
Hollywood, I went over completely. Never before have I found clothes that
fit so well and are more comfortable on me.I
was only going to do it for a few days then I got such good stuff from
Ebay by buying “lots” of 20 – 30 items. I got so much for $200 that while
I donated half to charity (because of fit or style), I got this fabulous
wardrobe of both girl clothes and “guy drag” clothes. All I kept was a
“job interview” outfit in case I ever needed one. I had had a dream a few
years back where I was dressed in women’s clothes and I remember in the
dream dumping off the last of my men’s clothes at the Salvation Army. So
I did it. The last went about three months after I made the switch. It
felt so good. A break with my dowdy past. I was turning into my grandfather
and this made me feel 30 years younger again. That was in July 2003 and
I haven’t worn any clothes since that were not intended for women.
However
in some ways, it may even be becoming a complex. I have not been able to
bring myself to wear any men’s clothes at all, except for an occasional
unisex T-Shirt. Everything has to be for women. Sometimes when I have bought
a lot on Ebay and there is a perfectly good shirt there, like a plain sweat
that is identical to a woman’s sweat shirt but it was labelled as a man’s
medium instead of a women’s large, out it went into the donate box. Except
for a few sentimental items and a “job interview” suit in case I need one
again, all my male clothing is gone. Will I ever go back. I don’t know.
I doubt it. Maybe if they make me, in an old folks home?
My
conclusion though is that as far as clothing sizing, the problem is not
the clothing industry. I am not so egotistical to think that a multi-billion
dollar industry is making all their products incorrectly. I’m the problem,
or at least the shape of my body is when it comes to clothing. But when
there is another much larger department in the store selling clothing that
does fit me correctly, I can live with it.
Yet
there has always been a small minority of men who do this. What is "wrong"
with us? Is it something in our nurture or did we inherit this tendency.
Some studies suggest that cross-dressing men have a smaller hypothalamus
and other subtle differences in their glands and other body systems. Others
may have missed a testosterone wash in the 12 to 14th week of
gestation. However I like to think I am more than a mere creature, ruled
by chemicals, but one of reason and thought who does or does not do things
because they want to or does not want to do them.
I
spoke to a "girl" at the Lodge, a club on Lankerskim in North Hollywood,
on July 12, 2003 who told me that she had taken counselling for a year
to "cure" him of wanting to cross dress. She told me that at the last session
when as a "he" he told the doctor that he was feeling fine and did not
want to cross dress any more, he was wearing a bra under his shirt. Now
as a she, she's had still not decided to get surgery yet but is living
almost full time as a woman.
I
can thank fate or god or what ever that I live in a time (21st
Century) and place (Southern California) where this sort of thing is tolerated.
Not encouraged but at least tolerated as long as we not too obvious about
it. Mind you, I have been out shopping, in a regular store when dressed
and I have no idea if I have been "read" or not. No one has made it obvious
anyway but a giveaway could be that I am usually one of the best-dressed
women in the place, at least in the top 10% as well as the best 50% in
looks. After all, we cross dressers have to pay a lot more attention to
their make up. If it is going to take an hour anyway, we take the extra
10 minutes to do it very well. If anything, this may make us stick out
more than any manly thing about us.
One
difference between me and many other cross dressers I have met. Many dress
in the image of how they think woman should dress. Either in what may be
deemed 1950 glamorous or as strip club dancers. Some try to dress trashier
than the hookers on Hollywood Blvd. It seems they want to project what
they learned was sexy when they were young and impressionable. Myself,
I try to fit in. Today when I went shopping, en femme, I wore leggings,
a sweat shirt, a sleeveless sweater, loafers and a fake leather jacket.
I fit right in and no one looked twice at me at the five stores where I
went shopping. Because I was just blending in. Of course, when I go some
place nicer, I will dress up a bit and yes, I will wear garters and stockings
when I do it. Actually, they’re more comfortable than panty hose.
Some
have the theory that it is a reaction to trauma from a bad male influence
at a young age or too much female influence. I have to admit that my father
was a bit of a drunk, and a lot of the time, was an asshole. My mother
did most of my up bringing. However, she never made the slightest move
to raise me as anything other that a perfect male. Not until after I was
in my 20s anyway and she helped me obtain some female items. Is this a
reaction against my father? I think not. That was over 30 years ago. I
am not a little robot programmed to do this now merely because of something
that happened many years ago. I'm certainly not doing this to spite a man
over 25 years in his grave. I can be just as tough an SOB as my father
was when I need to be. All I got from my father being a jerk is the realization
that I don't have to get drunk and beat up my wife to prove I'm a man.
Many men seem to think that to prove you’re a man, you make a woman pregnant.
Been there done that. The biggest thing I have learned is that there is
no need to prove to anyone that “I am a MAN”!!!. The world doesn’t care.
“MEN” are the ones who either make or get into all the trouble.
Maybe
the problem is the opposite. I have no need whatsoever to prove I am a
man. I simply do not care if the world sees me as a "MAN" or not. It seems
that 90% of the male population is obsessed in not being seen by other
men as a lesser MAN than them. Watching other men watch sports is interesting
by watching them try to out macho each other. If you look at other countries,
it seems that the more the men try to be macho, the poorer the country.
Not a universal rule but true often enough. Something in my nature or nurture
has made it so I don't give a crap if the world sees me as a man's man.
On the other hand, there are lots of Woody Allen types who don't care if
the world sees them as MEN either yet a vast majority of this type of male
do not cross dress. However I have heard of many men who try to be super
macho to try to suppress trans gender tendencies. Many who have genital
re-assignment surgery reported as a man they were tough, mean SOBs to try
to suppress this. Many of the members of the support group Tri-Ess International
report that before they cross dressed, they indeed ties to be super macho
to suppress it. Car and motorcycle racing was popular. Many were career
Army. A few still are. I’ve met at least two who were that most macho male
thing of all, a jet fighter pilot.
What
else is there that makes men spend a pile of money and time dressing up
as a woman. It is expensive and it is time consuming. The artistry needed
to make up your face so you are passable is high and the cost a bit stiff
considering you wipe it all off a few hours later. Of course, many women
do it every day so I guess you can’t complain about the cost. A cross dresser
does not do it as often but needs more so it sort of balances out. Then
there’s the potential embarrassment, specially if you don’t pass well.
Myself, I just pass if I don’t open my mouth. Mind you, my hair is long
enough in December 2004 and I’m able to order at the counter at Wendy’s
and still seem to have passed. Sometimes if my voice still seems a little
deep, I will fake a small coughing fit afterwards.
Sure,
its no more time consuming than many other hobbies and there are other
hobbies just as expensive. Maybe we should consider it ahobby? Well maybe
for the ones that only dress and don't actually transition. A hobby called
“Female Illusion” After all, that’s what they call it in Vegas. By the
way, in Vegas see some of the best CDs in the world at the Riviera .And
I have seen David Spade doing the reference quality Joan Rivers. What is
it about Saturday Night Live and cross dressing? I digress.
Still
this does not answer why. I feel perfectly comfortable walking around in
a dress, with a wig and my face made up. As I write the original form of
this document in November 2003, even though I am home alone, I am wearing
a sea green long acetate skirt, a green sleeveless top, 38C bra, my Busties,
knee highs, ladies deck shoes and my hair combed out and a bit of lipstick.
I feel good. In many ways, with my bra on and breast forms in, I feel a
completeness I never feel effecting a male identity. While I am comfortable
walking around as a guy there is no feeling to it. Just a neutral sort
of existence. This is why one group I have joined calls itself the Society
for the Second Self or Tri-Ess for short. The chapter I go to is the founding
group in Los Angeles and in December 2004 have been elected to office in
the club.
Now
it is pretty lame to suggest that a man comes out of the closet and starts
cross dressing in public because he was put into a dress almost a half
century earlier. I think I have better mental control than that. Again,
I am a thinking creature of above average intellect. After all, I have
even qualified to get onto Jeopardy.
I
was about 13 before my parents would leave me home alone. However, the
first chance I got, I'd be in my mom's clothes. Usually the laundry as
she would notice if I wore the clean stuff. I did this on and off for many
years. When I was about 22, I ordered a wig by mail though it was very
hard on me emotionally to get it cleared by customs. I was living in Canada
and had to order it from the USA. I got the Mary Tyler Moore look. When
I was 25 or 26, my cousin's wife suggested she dress me up as a girl for
a Halloween party. I think she expected a look of horror on my face. Instead
I made some sort of story to account for having a woman's wig and some
dresses. She wanted me to be a parody though and would not let me shave
my legs.
At
the Halloween party almost every guy there was in a form of better or worse
drag. Someone said "Where are all the men?" I probably had the best time
in my life I have ever had at a party. I'm a party organizer, not a good
party goer at least in guy mode.
Around
this time I persuaded my mother to buy me some tights. I lived in a place
with a very cold winter climate, Edmonton, Alberta. They make men's long
underwear but I found that while it worked well outdoors, you cooked if
you wore long underwear inside. I thought tights might work and when my
mother bought me a pair, I found them to be an excellent compromise. Not
as good as "long johns" outside but much better than nothing. At least
sufficient until the car heater started to blow warm. And indoors, not
too hot either. Of course at that time, I, a man could not possibly go
and buy a pair of tights. Now, I'll run into a store and pick up
panty hose and think nothing of it. I have even bought a bras in guy mode.
Of course then, nothing would have happened back then either but back then
I worried too much what others might think.
One
funny thing was that when I was about 28 or so, just before we were to
go on a road trip my mother said she was going to lay out my clothes on
my bed for me while I was in the shower. I was one of those guys, a techno
geek, who lived with his mother until he was 30. She laid out clean pants
and shirt for me but instead of socks there was a new pair of panty hose.
I could not say anything about the size my size because ever since I reached
my adult size, my mother and I wear the same size. I knew! I was not sure
what to make of this. I felt here was the opportunity to make a major change
in my closet cross dressing. She knew and was signalling me it was OK to
come out. Or did she simply make a mistake? I will never know because I
chickened out and got a regular pair of socks. My mother never said a word
and never repeated it.
One
thing I did discover that my endurance could be increased with support
hose. I have a condition with my leg muscles. It has been diagnosed several
times and finally a doctor in Newport Beach in 2003 when he was treating
my daughter, he was able to confirm it is a mild muscular dystrophy.[1]
Basically, my lower muscles are weaker than normal. If I stand at a work
bench more than an hour or so, I start to get achy pain at first but eventually
full blown stabbing pain. I found that support hose would increase my endurance
several times over. Why, I'm not sure. I think its an acupressure type
of thing. I got a couple pair of support hose through Sears mail order
and they were horrid things. Of course I made the mistake of ordering the
size for my height and weight. In later years, I discovered if you are
near the break between two sizes of panty hose, you always buy the next
size larger.
I
only wore then now and then though.
In
my 30's I found what at the time seemed to be the woman for me. We got
married and had a daughter. I brought up the subject of cross dressing
and she hit the roof. The level of emotional violence that was shot at
me for bringing up the subject was so extreme that I figured out that to
keep her happy cross dressing was not that important. However, I still
had the green dress from the Halloween party. I mentioned it to her once
and a few weeks later I had noticed the dress had disappeared.
However,
3-4 years later when my new job required a lot more standing (I was lecturing
at a community college) I brought up the subject of support hose. She would
tolerate it if I bought them myself and she never saw me in them. I put
them on and took them off in the bathroom. I shaved my legs once but she
complained I made her itchy when we had sex. So the hair was allowed to
grow back. She solved the problem her way too and though I do not think
this was the cause, our frequency of having sex dropped way off.
When
a year later, my job changed to more of a desk job I put away the support
hose. Of course all this time whenever she went to visit her mother, maybe
2-3 times a year, my secret stash of women's clothing I had built up would
come out and I would dress. Of course I never went out though I was tempted.
When the nature of my job changed again to need more standing for a few
months, I started with the support hose again but when one of my workers,
years younger than me had a stroke while on the job[2],
I realized that I might be found out and lose my job. Even though I never
contacted children in my job I did work at a school district in a support
role and I was worried that being discovered with panty hose on might cost
me my job. Anyway, I stopped wearing and I delegated most of the standing
up work to others altering my job to just the desk work portion.
In
1999, after 13 years, our marriage broke up. The support hose and cross
dressing had nothing to do with it, Just say it ended. After a couple years
I found my dream job in California and moved here. Of course my stash of
women's clothes came with me. However, my best friend (who I am not sure
would understand even though we both have done piles of work for the gay
community) lived a block away and was prone to dropping by unannounced.
So I only cross dressed when my daughter was visiting her mother and my
friend was out of town.
However,
because on some days I stand at a work bench, I shaved my legs just after
starting the job and have been wearing support pantyhose almost everyday
at work ever since. My daughter knew about this all the time I did it.
As well, I wear them on long flights. I found that when I fly someplace
like Asia or Europe I arrive less exhausted if I wear support hose
My
friend moved away though, in the spring of 2003 and my daughter spent the
summer of 2003 with her mother. I got a makeover done at the now defunct
Pink Book in West Hollywood and was delighted with the results. While I
have not been able to duplicate the quality of the make up that was done
there, I was given the confidence and knowledge to go out as my second
self. I joined Tri-Ess and have even been on trips to San Diego en femme.
When
I picked up my daughter, 16 at the time, at LAX at the end of August 2003,
I went dressed. She knew I wore panty hose and I had even gone out with
her to Rocky Horror wearing black fishnets. Both of us wearing them. I
have a picture of her with her jaw almost hitting the ground but she was
actually very happy. She accompanied me every month to the Tri-Ess meetings
in Burbank and we even had Thanksgiving dinner with a transgender couple,
all of us dressed quite ladylike. Now, she’s 17 and off to college but
she’s OK with it. One of her boy friends has even cross dressed a bit so
she plans to send him her go-go boots. I’ve even sent her some clothing
I’ve gotten that I could not wear, like a pair of great boots.
At
least I don't think I have to worry if my employer found out. After all,
it has no bearing at all on whether I do my job. That is, as long as I
never totally affected the opposite sex at work, that is, wore a dress.
I may wear women's clothes otherwise and I have grown my hair long, it
is past shoulder length and I have had it colored dark blonde, but I still
effect a male look. I had to pull back on the mascara though as some of
the Hispanics in production noticed. I would not put those nice people
into the situation of having to cope with a worker that suddenly wanted
to wear dresses to work. It helps me that it took them over a year to find
someone with my talents and experiences and who was willing to move to
Southern California. The cost of housing here is just horrid! I will never
say I am irreplaceable. I am sure they could find someone who can do what
I do but I do the job as well as anyone else might and if I was let go,
it would take them a long time to replace me, even with the tech bust.
30 years of experience does not walk into the door every day at the price
I’m working for. Don’t get me wrong, they pay me well but if I had a better
degree, I could get more. My point is I believe that if they found this
web site and figured out it was me, I feel I'll be OK. Besides California
has included gender identity as a form of discrimination when it comes
to employment. Under very specific conditions mind you, but it is included.
A
curious incident though happened in September 2004 when the company sent
me to Portugal for a service call on a customer. Just before I was about
to leavethe owner of the company
called me aside and advise me: “Don’t go in drag”. So I was careful to
wear my best “boy drag”. Gloria Vanderbilt pants and T-Shirts. So, they
know at least a little.
I
don't know. I just always wanted to do this, to find out. And I found out
I do it acceptably well. I will never be Ms. T-Girl 2005 but I don't scare
horses and small children either. People don’t point at me on the street
and I only got a laugh once from someone when I got sloppy. It taught me
to not be sloppy and just to blend in.
So
after all this it comes down to I don't know for sure.All
I know is that I don’t want to be cured of it.
Theories:
1.
I was dressed up as a child and liked it. This happened almost 50 years
ago. I'm an intelligent person and I am not so imprinted I cannot conquer
anything I want.
2.
My father turned me off of trying to be macho and was a poor father figure.
I had lots of other positive male role models. My grandfather for example.
Heck, Captain Kirk too.
3.
My minor handicap took me out of the running early at being macho. There
may be something there. I could not be competitive so why bother. I turned
to the books and academia instead. However most other handicapped men never
cross dress.
4.
For some reason my body or my mother’s body did not release the correct
amounts of testosterone at the right times in my development. Could there
be something to this? After all, I did not grow an adams apple and my face
did not change as much as many other male faces do at puberty. However,
am I so much a creature of my body chemistry that my mind goes and does
things because of things my body did 35 to 50+ years ago. I like to believe,
as an intelligent person, that my thought processes are controlled by my
intellect. However, from my body shape and behavior I would say there is
a possibility I am of mixed gender.
5.
I don't care for sports and really suck when I played them. Is this a cause
or an effect? I'm not sure. Sports seem to be society's approved outlet
for male aggression. I don't have any more aggression than the average
woman, which is probably one reason I never succeeded at my own business.
Or did I just lose interest in sports because of my handicap or is it because
a missing testosterone release make me non aggressive? On the other hand,
I have to tell you it takes a lot of chutzpah to climb out of your car
and walk into a store full of people dressed as a woman, when you are a
man, and behave as if it is a perfectly normal thing to do. It only appears
easy because of the makeup and the rest. I would never do it without all
the paint and everything else to make the other people think I was a woman.
I would not be able to walk into a store affecting male appearance and
wearing a dress.
What
evidence do to I have for this?
Physical
things - My measurements, if I was fit. would be 39-33-43. As it is, they
are 39-38-43. These are not male proportions. I have no adams apple. My
feet are women’s shape. I have a much bigger butt than most men. I have
a woman’s upper arm structure and shoulders. I have thighs in a female
proportion. My breasts started to grow two years ago and I am now about
an A cup. I wear a bra now and then as my nipples get very tender at times.
I am 5’ 6”. This is considered a women’s “average” on size charts. My 17
year old daughter is only an inch shorter than me and my ex and I are the
same height. And she’s heavier than me. Heightwise I do not stick out in
a crowd of women. A little chunky but no more than 10%+ of the genetic
women out there.
Because
of my hips, I find I can wear skirts or women’s pants, if they are the
correct size, without them falling down. They just stay up, even if they
are a little bit loose around the waist. I could never do this with men’s
clothes. I have a pair of fabulous slacks that just fit. No elastic. No
belt. They zip up the side and they just fit. Same for several skirts I
have. Too bad I can’t wear the skirts all the time. They are soooooo comfortable
in comparison to pants.
I
have taken a pile of on-line psych tests and every one either says I am
a woman or if there is an in between alternative, that I am in between,
an “androgyne” so to speak. One thing I am certain of is that I am not
an “alpha” male. I have always had trouble attracting women. One of the
other T-girls explained it to me what cost here a fortune at a shrink to
find out. I have a partially female personality. Most women are hard wired
to want a guy with an “alpha” personality, even if their brain says otherwise.
When I go out with them, even though I appear to be what they say they
want, talking to me is too much like talking to their sister, the hard
wiring takes over and they lose interest in me. So I have dropped out of
match.com and given up trying to date. Maybe some day a woman will come
along who can relate to me. Please note I am not particularly attracted
to men though I have met a few men that are similar to me and who knows
if something may work out. I have met several couples of cross dressing
men as well. One person I met is a hermaphrodite and while raised as a
male, they were always a good looking woman too and now dresses female
all the time.
Here
is the description of one type of person that seems to match my case that
I found on a yahoo group, “androgynes
· living beyond gender”.
[1]
One type is early onset crossgender identity. The person is pretty much
asexual, always. There is almost no sexual arousal
associated
with crossdressing. The person is usually a loner as a child, somewhat
inhibited, may have tried marriage and family. Their presentation in the
male gender role is not particularly effeminate. They are quiet people,
and their sexual orientation seems to be changing, but really they are
pretty much asexual. A lot of their psyche is taken up by crossgender identity.
So these people have one gender identity, and that is female. Two gender
roles, though, with the male presentation seeming like a guy, and the female
presentation seeming the same, like the same person, but also seeming like
a woman too, someone who is sort of androgynous, but not in the Michael
Jackson sense - someone who is undifferentiated. Their sexual orientation
can change as they shift roles, as they start living in the female gender
role."
This
does seem to fit me fairly well. I am the same person in male or female
roles. I know some cross dressers who are two totally different people.
They are macho men and very femme women with all the gestures and everything
done perfectly. Me, I’m this sympathetic, non-macho person who seems to
be a femmy male and a butch chick though when “dressed” I am starting to
see more female gestures in my motion and some of these are creeping into
my male behavior too.
One
thing I have noticed is that since I can go out dressed now in my own hair,
I don’t feel as “made up” as when I wear a wig. I just feel natural. In
December 2004, going shopping in my own hair, wearing women’s casual clothes,
I had to sometimes remember I was doing something society considers weird.
I just felt as lose about things as when I go out as a guy. I had several
store clerks call me ma’am. I had face to face dealings with three cashiers,
two of them male and it just felt normal. The stress of trying to be something
you’re not disappeared. I seemed to be passing perfectly and no one seemed
to give me the slightest glance beyond what was needed to not run into
me. Some sort of normalcy was setting in. I’ve even had that happen at
times when wearing a dress and a wig but as much as it did this time.
Thanks
for reading.